Few more days and it will be hari raya and most of the people are looking forward for this month except for me. This month where us, the children, ask for forgiveness from our parents for any sins that we have committed. I'm no child of them. I know they love me very much but I have hurt their feelings. It's been years since i ask for their forgiveness. If only I had a chance to ask for it, I would have done that long ago but I didn't cause I was stupid and arrogant. I thought I was their best child but I'm not. I'm just a stranger in the family. An outcast is the perfect word for it.

Few years back I used to like this month where we, as a family would go out together and spend time or go to our cousin's house and celebrate together. Everyone was there, my father, mother, two brothers, my sister and myself. A complete family where work doesn't matter that much, friends doesn't matter nor does education matters that much on that particular day. We just want to spend time together. If only that time could be seen again this year. If only. Looking at my life now all i can see is more sadness and tears rather than happiness and smiles. Friends come and go, they are all temporary in my life. Can I trust them again like I used to be. They have hurt me enough till I don't find them useful anymore but I'm wrong. Some are very friendly and kind but the others are piece of shit to me.

Anyways, I'm just planning on another road trip during the first week of hari raya so that I can just go away from all this thing. I need to spend time alone again. I just don't know what to say anymore. Should I be happy about this road trip or should I not? Or would I rather spend time with my friends but it won't last a lifetime. It will only last a day. I'm getting sicker by the day and my leg is getting worse by the month. So much of taking care of myself but its not really that bad. Just waiting for the day where I will take my last breath.

still waiting @ 5:21 AM