Two more days and it will be the fasting period. Two more weeks and it will be the exam period. Two papers, will determine whether I'm going to repeat the module for another six months. That is not the risk I'm willing to take. I need to do the paper well and I damn right need to pass it. Father has been working for god knows how long and he's getting old. Too old to work just to support the four of us who are still schooling and wasting money.
Sometimes being in this family, father will say to me, I am the most important part of the family. I'm the pillar of the family and I must not fail on my life. My siblings will be needing me when I grew up and I think to myself, why put almost all the responsibility on me where you could split it? Do you know why every time I go home it will never be a happy face? It will always be the same damn tiring and emotionless face. Or just maybe I'm being an idiot. Father can only come back home for a few months every year before he goes back to work overseas. And my god I do miss him so much. Listening to people going out with their families having picnic or just to have fun makes my life meaningless. Some of them even said it's just a waste of time to go out with their families. I'll treasure every moment I can have with my family if we could have another family outing since a few years back.
My first brother is in New Zealand studying for five years now. My father is working overseas for too long. My sister and my second brother always spends time with their friends even when my first bro and my father came back. I wish we could spend time together again just like last time laughing our ass off and talking crap but everyone is too busy. Treasure the moment now cause anytime, my parents can....... I can't say that word. I don't want them to go, I won't let them. My mother can be so patient waiting just for father to come home and spend time together. She is indeed a very strong person and I totally respect her. Never did I dare raised a voice or fight back my parents. Never did I dare to disrespect my parents but I'm not the best child for them. I lied, I smoke, I make them cry, I make them worry and more. The pain mother and father felt, I can feel it too. Every time they cry, it makes me cry even harder.
I don't know how much longer my father can support my education. Three to four more years of education. Two years of NS. Perhaps another four more years of studying overseas just to get a good job or my dream job. Or maybe it won't happen at all. I try not to think about anything bad. I just want the best for my parents and not me. I don't care if I don't get married or die old alone. Just as long as my parents can go off peacefully and happily. That they know they have done their jobs very well enough and I'm very proud to be their son.
still waiting @ 4:58 AM
