Two more days and it will be the fasting period. Two more weeks and it will be the exam period. Two papers, will determine whether I'm going to repeat the module for another six months. That is not the risk I'm willing to take. I need to do the paper well and I damn right need to pass it. Father has been working for god knows how long and he's getting old. Too old to work just to support the four of us who are still schooling and wasting money.
Sometimes being in this family, father will say to me, I am the most important part of the family. I'm the pillar of the family and I must not fail on my life. My siblings will be needing me when I grew up and I think to myself, why put almost all the responsibility on me where you could split it? Do you know why every time I go home it will never be a happy face? It will always be the same damn tiring and emotionless face. Or just maybe I'm being an idiot. Father can only come back home for a few months every year before he goes back to work overseas. And my god I do miss him so much. Listening to people going out with their families having picnic or just to have fun makes my life meaningless. Some of them even said it's just a waste of time to go out with their families. I'll treasure every moment I can have with my family if we could have another family outing since a few years back.
My first brother is in New Zealand studying for five years now. My father is working overseas for too long. My sister and my second brother always spends time with their friends even when my first bro and my father came back. I wish we could spend time together again just like last time laughing our ass off and talking crap but everyone is too busy. Treasure the moment now cause anytime, my parents can....... I can't say that word. I don't want them to go, I won't let them. My mother can be so patient waiting just for father to come home and spend time together. She is indeed a very strong person and I totally respect her. Never did I dare raised a voice or fight back my parents. Never did I dare to disrespect my parents but I'm not the best child for them. I lied, I smoke, I make them cry, I make them worry and more. The pain mother and father felt, I can feel it too. Every time they cry, it makes me cry even harder.
I don't know how much longer my father can support my education. Three to four more years of education. Two years of NS. Perhaps another four more years of studying overseas just to get a good job or my dream job. Or maybe it won't happen at all. I try not to think about anything bad. I just want the best for my parents and not me. I don't care if I don't get married or die old alone. Just as long as my parents can go off peacefully and happily. That they know they have done their jobs very well enough and I'm very proud to be their son.
still waiting @ 4:58 AM
It's no use...
Maybe I did forget about her for some time but whenever I read the previous post and with this sad song on the background, my god it does hurt so much. I give up and I really do. I can't stop thinking about her and I truly do love her so damn much. I don't care if it will hurt me in the end but I can't take it any longer. I want to hug her, I want to kiss her, I want to touch her hair, I want HER! Sorry, maybe I was exaggerating too much but what can I do. I tried forgetting her in all kinds of ways. The past can't never be forgotten.
I just wish she could read this blog just to know how I feel all this while but in the same time I don't want her to know. She's in love for god sake. If only we can meet just once, I will be very happy indeed but she's busy working or going out with her lover.
This is my life. I love my life but I hate my life at the same time cause of the things I have to go through. I'm just chasing ghost. I know i can never get her ever. If you ever wonder why I put up this song is because I love the intensity of the violin. The high notes make you feel hanging but when it drops down you feel better. This song makes me suffer every time I hear it. This song makes me think back all about my past, all the bad memories but at the same time, it makes me relax in some way. I've been holding back my tears for god knows how long and I'm on the verge of letting go all the sadness in me. I'll never realise that tears are running down cheeks and it keeps flowing down and my body is shaking uncontrollably. Of course this only happens when I'm alone cause I don't want people to see that I'm sad real bad. I don't want them to feel sad.
My 'used to be' close friend always ask me share the pain together. Tell me your problems so you won't need to suffer that bad. i told her some of it, actually most of it about my love life. She tried to help and I'm glad she really did try but where is she now? She had a boyfriend and he hates me cause he thought I got a crush on her. For god sakes I only love one girl fool! And because of him I can't never share my problems with her and now she always complains about him mistreating her. I decided to listen to all her problems and I really did as a close friend but what I get in return. She left me all alone too. She doesn't care about me. All she care is her boyfriend fucking her!
She's still my 'close friend' though only that we never contacted each other like we used to be. She always came talking to me only when she's got a problem with her life. Do I look like a counsellor to you? I did listen to her and help her in any way I can but in the end, she left me all alone again. This time, she never did contact me every again and I don't wish to talk to her or see her again. She is making fun of my feelings. It's okay, do what you want with me as long as you're happy with your life.
I still love you.......
still waiting @ 2:35 AM
