I've watched schindler's list when I was small. Too young to watch that movie and to tell you the truth, I like hitler before that. I was enjoying the show back at that time. Until now, I just finish watching the show again and my god I feel so helpless and sadden by the movie. Six million jews were killed and that's only the jews. It doesn't include the war casualties from all over the world. I can say it was the bloodiest time of all centuries. Here we are enjoying ourselves with computers, handphones and stuff but history had to suffer so much so that we can get what we want today.
One man, just one man, decided to use all his money to save 1,100 jews. The last part was just too sad for me. Schindler, regretting that he could save more if only he had more money. And the music makes it too hard for me to control my tears. I love war movies not because of the explosion and looking at someone getting shot in the ass or whatsoever. I love the history about world war 2. To come to think of it, Hitler actually could conquer the whole Europe if only he didn't start a fight with the Russians and Japanese could have conquer Asia if only they didn't bombed pearl harbour. This is all greed I'm looking at. When you have the power, you want it all.
If you are reading this post, and if you have the time too, go and watch the movie. Very interesting movie. I'm not going to say much about this movie but I truly am sad about what happened in WW2. It shouldn't have happened.....
The word pain can be describe in many terms. Not only am I feeling the pain all over my body but my heart is in pain too. Let's talk about the pain outside. Firstly, I have been having this chest pain every time I cough and breathe in. It hurts so bad that I don't even feel like breathing. It's like something or someone is trying to squeeze my chest real tight till I can't breathe right. I've been trying to make the pain go away by eating painkillers medicine and stuff but it's not going away. Maybe I just smoke too much.
After that, my left knee starts to hurt every time I tried kicking a ball or carry some heavy stuff. Went to this massage place and he told me that I got a small ligament tear on the left side of the knee. It's like everything starts to fall apart.
You know what, forget about these pain. I'm so hurt right now. What did I do wrong to make our relationship ends? Why must she go away? Why am I so stupid to let her go just like that? Why didn't I fight for our relationship? I'm so stupid. You know, thinking about this can really make you feel so painful that it's really like you're taking a sharp knife and slowly pierce through your chest and then through your heart.
I've hurt so many people that I do not wish or intend to hurt. Everytime when there is or was someone in my life I will always hurt them but whenever they're not with me and I'm alone, things will go just fine. Maybe I am destine to be alone in this world. It is true that life is unfair but I have accept the way it is. I'm so used to being alone that I can stay quiet for weeks and I did that before. Whenever you walk to school or you're in your class sitting down and looking at the teacher, you can feel the distance between you and the world. It's very far apart. You can see that you're walking with your friends but the fact is, you're very far away from them. The years of being alone has make all your feelings happy, sad, anger all seems the same. This is what I'm feeling right now and for years. I've been keeping this feelings all along and not telling anyone about it. They know I'm having some problems but I did not tell them what or why. It's because I don't want them to know what's wrong with me or worry about me.
Till this day no one was able to know a single problem about me except for her. I told her some of my problems when we were together but I can't say it in word cause it hurts too much so I wrote it on a paper and let her looked at it. While she was looking at it, just suddenly I felt tears dropping down and I was crying so badly after that. Everytime someone scolds me and anything sad happen, I will never show my sadness to anyone. I will keep it to myself. That day, I can't take it anymore so I cry and cry in front of her. She try to comfort me but the more she did the more I cry. I've never felt someone care so much about me, that hug me when I cry, that try to make me feel better. The feelings that I felt that day was just too painful to describe but at the same time, she wanted to share the pain together with me.
I love you from the day I met you until now baby. I know you have someone to love but if only you could read what I felt all this while, I just want to say I still love you no matter what. :)
still waiting @ 6:56 AM
Once bored always bored
There are times where I wanted to meet her and have a long chat or walk together since we never met the day after I finish my secondary school. We almost did actually. I did talk to her once in a while and asked her about her life and how are things going around with her new boyfriend and stuff. She said she wanted to meet me so I just said anytime. She gave me the time and the date and I was too damn happy to wait for it.
Here is the sucky part. It never happened. Cancelled on the very last minute and damn was I so furious about it. And why was I furious, cause it happens not once but quite a few times already. I don't know if she's trying to play around with my feelings or not but I'm really pissed about it. At the same time I try not to be anggry about it cause I really do want to meet her.
I was surprised to know that her boyfriend is studying in the same school as I am. What a coincidence eh. Until now, I'm still wondering who might her boyfriend be. Couldn't be me right? haha. At the same time what if she was to send her boyfriend to school ( that is so wrong ) and we saw each other. That would be great but at the same time it will spoil my mood seeing her with her boyfriend holding hands and bla bla bla. I sound kind of jealous.
Ok that's it. Enough talking about her. All I need now is to concentrate about my school. If not, I'll fucked up my future. Ever wonder what it will be like in the future? What will you work as or who will you be marrying and stuff like that? It's hard to tell whether I'm going to have a bright future or not but I wish to have one.
To Be Continued...
still waiting @ 6:38 AM
How it all began Part 2
You may seem that my life is perfect in every single way. I thought it was. My life was complete with her around me but I was foolish enough to believe that. It all happened too fast that i dare not think again about it cause it's just unbearable. One of my close friend called me and said that she wanted to leave me and I didn't say why cause I don't want to know the reason. I'm hurt real bad when I hear the news. For the whole seven month we were happy together, never fought with each other and we understand each other. I just said "okay". That one word change my whole life. I just can't believe she took my heart and just return the half of it. The feeling, it's just too painful, it's like I'm hanging myself but will never die. It hurts so bad that I want it to stop but I can never find a way.
For three years, until now I'm trying to find the reason why she left me. The only possible thing I could thing off was that maybe I'm too childish at that time. It's my first time falling in love with someone. Maybe I thought I gave her enough love but the fact was that I gave her none. Maybe I think too much of myself whereas I should think more of her. Maybe, just maybe, I'm hopeless after all. Never did I try to chase her back cause I'm too scared she never love me no more. I'm just plain stupid. The day she left me until now, I never had any successful relationships neither did I able to forget about her. I just love her too much to let her go just like that. Just one thing I was able to feel comfort when she talked to me once in a while but it was very rare. That moment I felt happy, alive and able to think more optimistically. The reason why was that she was happy. Whenever she's happy, I'm happy. I can't never get her back. She's in love with someone else. Every time I watch a love movie where at first they fall in love with each other and then someone leaves him/her behind making him/her miserably sad but in the end, they found each other again and they were happy forever. I just wish that our relationship can be like that but it's just a story. I'm just giving myself false hope.
Just by typing every single word in here may I able to forget her. I just hope I can cause I can't take it. Whenever I walk to school, go out with my friends or whatever I do outside my house, there will always be a happy couple around. I just saw them so happy together minding their own life but on this side, a lonely soul is walking blindly seeking for the other half of his heart. Will she return it back or will I forever be lost in the woods? I just hope finding this answer will not take the rest of my life searching for it.
For the people reading this, not that I'm not asking someone to pity me or help me search the answer. I'm just typing my story so that I can forget about my past that is haunting me till now. May my past stay here, at this blog, leaving me alone and may I enjoy my life with someone else or god's willing, she will love me back....
still waiting @ 6:01 AM
How it all began
This is the story where I first fell in love. As you can see, I never really love blogging and stuff but since I have no one to tell and I'm in desperate need to let go of my feelings I decided to blog.
It all began when I was fifteen. One of my close friend decided to introduce me her friend. The first time I look at her and to me, she was the beautiful girl I have ever seen. We decided to talk and chat on msn and stuff until I decided to bring her to the movies. Still remember the first movie we watched which was ice age 1. We had a good time together, too good to be true. From that day onwards I could not wait to see her again. It's like being with her makes my trouble all go away and I seemed so happy.
From what I remember, it was 13th April 2006( if i'm not mistaken). It was my birthday and I had a speech day on that day too. In fact every four years speech day falls on my birthday but on that day it was a special day for me. She invited me to her house so that I can change to my band uniform. So her friends and I went to her house and just chill. Until they came to me with eggs and flour but before they wanted to throw to me I said wait. I can't be messy cause I got a performance later so they decided not to throw at me but instead they throw at her. She got so mad at them that they started chasing all around. I was just looking at her getting mad and it's just the best thing to see. Before I went to my performance she gave me a present. It was a necklace with a ring with her name on it. The funny part was that I am wearing a necklace and a ring too and she looked a little bit upset. I just told her I just love wearing necklace with a ring on it. She said let's exchange the rings then. After we exchange the rings she gave me a birthday card but I can't read it yet. After all the mess was clean up I left the place and went to the community club and read the card. I still have it with me and I just won't get bored looking at it over and over again.
Here it goes:
" HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARLINK!!
HEHE.. shoo big already!! Hope you like the present I gave you!! I don't know what to buy for you, soo, I end up buying you this! But hope you like it ah.. hehe.. :) Btw, it's a pleasure get to know you.. hehe.. I reallie like it when hanging around with ya.. Coz you make me smile, laugh and help me to forget all my surrows.. THANKZ DARLINK! Guess, I have nothing to say now.. Juz hope whateva you wish for will come true.. And keep away from all you sorrows.. Coz I'm here for you now!! ;P and oso.. I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU!!HAHAKZZ!! "
These are the exact words she wrote on it. My wish was actually for us to together for a very long long time if you want to know what i wish for. If I'm not wrong after that day I ask her to be my steady and she said yes. I was jumping with joy and I was too damn happy to speak. So that day I went back with her and I send her home. At the void deck we stood by facing each other and she kissed me. To be honest no one has ever kissed me before at that time so I did not react to it. I was surprise indeed. She just stare at me and laughing at me. I was asking her am I suppose to react to it and she just gave me the blank stare. So she kissed me again and this time I DID react to it and she was happy. We hugged for god knows how long cause it was the most wonderful thing that happen to me. When we hugged, the surroundings around me, the people and everything else didn't even came to my mind. All I can think of was her and me together, just the two of us.
To be continued.....
still waiting @ 4:12 AM
