Somehow two weeks inside the camp made me think of you the whole time. Every single night. I can't get my love out of you. I don't know why but you are the only one that I can think of for the whole two weeks. God, I don't even know what to say.
My love to you is so real. I really really love you. What must I do to proof my love to you? You took my heart away and I'm really suffering big time over here all alone. Every single night I called you and I can't get through you thinking what you're doing right now and wondering whether everything is all right. Even now I can't think straight.
The purpose for this blog is not to write my everyday lives. This is where I state my problems and my feelings. No people know how I feel other than those who are reading it right now. Neither my family nor my friends know about this.
I thought my life was turning for the better. She was there when I needed her. I was there when she needed me. Whatever she wants I gave her. I'm not like other boyfriends where they just want their girlfriends to be with them only, like no freaking freedom for them. Not me. I gave her total freedom. She can do whatever she likes just as long as she don't go fucking with other guys. Ain't that shit enough for her? I'm trying my best here to make the relationship work. Please tell me whose at fault right now. Is it me or is it you? Cause the way you say it just now was very one sided.
I didn't take care of you? Are you fucking kidding me? I DID NOT?! The whole time, this whole time you were the only person that I spend time most. Whenever you had problems I tried to be there for you, be it on the phone or there myself. It is you who had to work for weeks and being so tired till we can't meet. You who wanted to meet your friends so late at night or hang out till late at night and the next day we didn't get to meet because you fell sick. It ain't me. It's a part of your fault too. Why can't you fucking see it?
I know you're a fucking choosy person which I totally hate it. I know you want a lot of things or expectations from me but for god sakes give me a break too! I need someone by my side too. I told you to get a proper job so that you can adjust it with your school so that you won't be too damn tired to even go to school but you fucking insisted on doing the damn camps. The pay is fucked up. You had to go away for two nights. After that, you always feel too damn tired or fall sick. Now tell me, how is that going to help you with your school. I don't even know whether you really wanna go to school or you just damn stuck up with the camp work.
I really do care about you and your future. Why do you always keep complaining about your family life where you yourself don't want to overcome it. Instead you ran away. Like our relationship. You can't take this shit no more and you wanna run away. AGAIN. You did it to me once, why not do it again. Being in a OPEN relationship? What the fuck does that even mean? It means that both of us are fucking SINGLE but still dating. Ain't that the same shit as breaking up with me? Why do I have to go through this shit all over again and again and again. Fuck ya all I had it with this fucking life.
Really, why again? I ask myself a million times already. I thought I had the answer. No, I had it but somehow a new fucking question pops out of nowhere and hell, I have to go through this shit all over again. Nice timing. Going to serve my NS (National Service) or so called to say serve them government for two years. I wanted what's best for you baby. I'm begging you to at least give me another chance. Let's work this relationship together. Fuck the open relationship thing. You know I don't believe in that shit. It's either you're attached or you're single that's it.
You wanna know where you stand in me? You're the only one that can make me feel better. You're the only one that can make me smile fully. You're the only one that can make me go crazy again. It's all you baby. You complete me. Without you, I'm just one guy in the middle of nowhere. Now you know where you stand in me. I don't have anything else to say. I'll be gone on the 14th. If this is what you really want then so be it. You'll be better off with some other guy that's better than me. That can go out late at night just to be with you. That can get you whatever you want. I'm sorry I can't be there for you. Don't come searching for me when I'm gone cause you know things won't work out once I'm serving my NS and you going to school. I'm so damn sure that you will be caught up with your school if not your work that we don't even have the time to meet or spend time together. You have friends, I don't really have much. Just don't think that your opinion or thinking is all correct and everything must go your way. Like I said before, change yourself or you will be stuck in your fucked up life like how you're in right now.
I know you're reading this cause I can feel it. Just tell the truth like how I'm telling the truth over here. Never in my life did I ever lie to you. Think about it baby. Your future is at stake so start changing and plan ahead. I already told you all that so you should know what to do. One more thing, promises were meant to be broken for your own good.
still waiting @ 7:18 AM
What a life.
It started as though life is turning out to be perfect with someone you love right there beside you or on the phone talking late at night. I don't see that now. I mean, what the fuck did I do wrong? She's busy with her friends which I totally don't mind that. The only thing I hate is going out late and night and just chill till the next morning. I mean, what the fuck? Here I am waiting for your message or even call till 5am and I got nothing. During the afternoon only then I get your message or your call.
I'm not like you. I'm nothing like you or the rest of them. Of course all of you stay near each other and I'm so damn fucking far away but who the fuck cares. I don't even know if you love me anymore. Fuck me again! I'm going through this shit all over again and again and again! I don't even know when will this shit fucking ends! All this time I've been keeping quiet is because I don't want you to get hurt by what I say to you. You want to do this, go ahead. You want that, go ahead. God, I even put my whole trust on you and you only trust me like what, half only? Saying you need to know me more? What fucking more?! This is who I am. I'm not like the rest. This is me and only me. When I love someone, I will love them to the fullest. If I hate someone, I will ignore that bugger but I won't be rude towards him.
What more do you want from me? I'm tired of this shit anymore. Don't you ever fucking cry when I leave for my own good. At last I'm thinking for my god damn self. It's about fucking time. All this while, it's never about me. It's about you. I just kept quiet because I don't want us to fight but every time I wanna meet you, you'll be busy with your friends. I'm fine with it. But then you'll start blaming me if I cannot meet you because I'm at home doing nothing and shit. Fuck, you don't even know my fucking parents! They are not like your parents or any other parents. They are strict and they expect me, the youngest to follow exactly what they say which is fucking killing me. When will you start understanding me? Seriously I'm damn tired of my life being a shithole.
I'm running away. That's it. Maybe not. I have my patience. I'll wait for you. Like how I've waited for three years. Until I'm no longer good for you or I see that we have no future with each other. I'm sorry but going our separate ways is the only thing. Not only you will get hurt, it's going to hurt me as well. Again. What a life it is for me.
still waiting @ 8:55 AM
There is still hope?
Again this whole purpose of me writing in this blog is not to tell readers about my everyday lives. This blog serves a big purpose to me. This is where I can tell all my worries, problems, complains and more openly without any problems.
Anyways, life has been good so far. I'm with someone but not officially yet and yes, she's making my life better. Not only her but the rest of my work colleagues too. They are now my second family. I was deeply touched by my friend who's in Dubai now. I just got to know that before he went there, he told my close friend or soon to be girlfriend to take care of me really well, like literally paying very close attention to him. The reason why was that he heard that I lost someone very close, important and wonderful friend and he had seen me hurt before and even saw me cry. Up till now I do not have a single clue that he's very worried about me even when he left to Dubai.
To hear that he knew everything that is going on just makes my heart beats faster and mouth kept shut knowing that even though you're alone or not, there will always be someone watching over you and taking care of you. He literally touched my heart. I felt really calm but he's still in Dubai till the 22nd of August. Just can't wait for my brother from another mother to come back here. We will celebrate with wines and beers and liquors when you return home bro.
The first kiss we had at the bridge makes me wanna be there for you all night long. I'm not talking about my "brother" right now. She's my life. She holds the key to my happiness in this life. Is she the one that will make my life worthwhile? Will she be the one that will be by my side whenever I'm feeling fucked up? So far, she has been there all along. I swear to god that if she's gone, again my life will be nothing but full of shit. Things will change from now onwards, change for the better. I've found a new family and a new partner. The only thing that keeps bothering me is that I need to save up 800+ bucks in three months time.
Freaking WCA again!
still waiting @ 6:21 AM
It's a lie.
Here I am again writing about my life. I won second place in WCA. 9th place in Kedah. That's not the main point here. I've fallen in love. You may think it's a good thing but actually it's not. We were somehow that close towards each other for the first few days but everything changes after the next day. It's like she's trying to avoid me or something or maybe I'm just not the guy for her.
It was my fault too that I put in so much hope for the two of us to be together because she opened my heart after two years of loneliness. I don't mind being alone for the rest of my life but somehow she opened my heart. I've never felt so much love in such a long time. The feeling of jealousy, worried and almost everything. In the end, sadness still prevail. I just don't think I'm that useful towards her anymore. She got her friends, her family to accompany her. Even when I'm not around, she still manages to be happy.
I thought I was "happy" enough to get over the previous one. And now she came, making my life so wonderfully nice and perfect for these few days. Now it's like hell all over again except that it's getting worse day by day. Even my friend said I need someone whom I can trust and talk about all my problems but I said, I lost that one particular friend a long time ago and things were like this ever since. Just because of one person can ruin my whole entire life. I don't blame her for it nor her boyfriend. She did it for her own happiness and not mine which is a good thing. Sometimes, you just had to do it for your own good and sacrifice others. I bet she's enjoying her life now with her boyfriend and her wonderful friends.
I'm not schooling anymore, friends all busy with their stuff. I'm just working and working for 2010 to pass by. Right now I'm living without any purpose. Just a lost soul wandering around the world. Writing all this with tears running down my cheeks, with a very sad song keep repeating itself, all alone in the bedroom. How more depressing can it be. Do you think I'm happy to be in this state of confusion or whatsoever? No, I don't. It's killing my on the inside. I can't feel. Why do I smile, why do I cry, Why do I feel the anger. WHY? I'm feeling nothing now. Life without you is meaningless but life still has to go on right? You are all that I ask for.
still waiting @ 10:19 PM